Dave’s Dad, David tells me, has listened to the record/CD every year on Good Friday for as long as he can remember.  I like the idea – we might watch this DVD every Good Friday.  It was a good way to spend the night.

It really, really bothers me when preachers ask to have “every head bowed and every eye closed” when they give an invitation.  There was nothing private about what Christ did for us.  If you’re making a statement of belief in Jesus, it should be bold and unapologetic.  Christianity, true Christianity, will change your life dramatically – it’s not a lifestyle to step into half-heartedly, it’s a worldview change, a paradigm shift.  I think it’s inappropriate for a pastor to minimize the gravity of the decision to follow Christ by allowing people to slink into the relationship.  I think it undermines the importance of the commitment and makes the relationship seem like it doesn’t have to be THE priority of your life.

That said,  I think the “close your eyes” approach can be appropriate in youth ministry because kids are so wrapped up in what their friends and peers think of them, but adults should be able to make decisions – especially such important decisions – without basing them in vanity.  If you’re not ready to stand up and stand out for Christ, are you ready to commit to a life in him and for him?

I sound judgemental, and this is something I struggle with – snap decisions about things I hear and see, and the people that say and do them.  I need to think more, but I wanted to post my initial thoughts here so I could hear what some of you think.

So, what do you think?

I’ll be working for Clarian Health (a network of hospitals in Indianapolis) with a contracting company, Sedona Learning Solutions, to develop manuals and training material for software used by physicians. Don’t quite know yet what that means, but I’m excited. I find myself doubting my ability to do the job already – before I even know what I’ll be doing! But that’s just my nature. My overwhelming emotion is thankfulness.

So, thanks to you guys for praying for me!

Last night’s meeting was… refreshing. Instead of the normal scheduling and building details and general concerns, we spent a lot of time dealing with a particular issue. Here’s the situation:

We’re an inner city church. Inner city churches struggle, most often openly, against drug addiction and substance abuse. A group of members of our church are engaging in drug and substance abuse. Despite repeated attempts to have them even acknowledge the sin involved, this group continues in their behavior, even defending it as something good.

One of this group is of particular concern – this person is gifted by God with an amazing natural ability to lead people, and regardless of this person’s intent (or even desire), people are following. This person’s defiance and justification are being adopted and echoed by every one in that group, and families already broken are being severely affected.

I imagine that some churches would turn the other way – especially when a confrontation gone wrong could end in a large group of members leaving the church and families of children being abandoned to the neglect of using parents… Maybe others would follow the Matthew 18 guidelines to the letter (one-on-one, group-on-one, church-on-one, then removal from church) and say they did their duty.

At the deacons’ meeting, we of course talked about the biblical models and about what will be our church’s approach to these people. There will be no condoning of sin (a little yeast)… But that said, it was amazing to see the love that the deacons have for this member and this group that follows… and how evident our desire for their complete restoration.

It amazes me how fervent prayer about something so potentially deathly to the momentum of the growth of our church, something that could spark cynicism in all of us, unites us and gives us hope.

We know that the draw and the hold of sin is so strong… but the power of God is so much greater. =)

I don’t feel like I’m off the edge of a cliff or anything, but last night, after a long GOOD talk with my roommate, I realized very suddenly some things that are really bothering me. deep down bothering – causing stress enough that I’ve been pulling away from relationships with Bethany and with my church. it was jarring… I’ve been thinking that I’m fine. now I think I have a lot to think about.

thoughts?

it was good! of course it was – he never does anything halfway or in mediocrity. =) I was proud of him – the next time he preaches, you all have to come see him.

I’d summarize, but I’d do it very poorly – he said a lot of neat stuff in there.

and… imprecatory preaching. =) not by my David, but by the pastor of the church during communion. it was intense for those of us who knew what was going on. there exists a situation that’s not widely known about, save to the deacons and the pastor, that was addressed in a very blunt manner during the service. without naming names or giving the situation away, the pastor made it very clear that if the people involved were not willing to talk about it in person in private, that he’d confront them from the pulpit. it was done very well – only those of us who knew what was going on had any idea of anything out of the ordinary (except that the pastor was a little fired up), but the people to whom it was directed CAN’T have missed its significance. it was neat to see that side of a pastor’s duties – what *do* you do with congregants who defy Biblical teaching but won’t discuss it?

it’s good to be home. I’m so thankful that I have such a great family. they may be overwhelming to some, but they are my favorite people in the world. there’s just something about being home with my family that fills the cracks – the things I’m missing. those missing bits are vague – I don’t have specific names for them. some of them resemble things like unconditional love, affirmation no matter what… there isn’t a soul in the world who loves me more than my mother does. =) and I would rather sit at my father’s feet as he plays the guitar than be anywhere else in the world. and good or bad, who knows me better than my sisters?

I was thinking tonight during the Christmas Eve church service instead of listening to the “meditation” – I know, I know… if I was taking Christmas seriously, I would be listening intently to the preacher… blah blah blah. I know what Christmas is about – and in my life, it’s been reflected in my family. selfless love? my parents sacrificed so many things to make my life as amazing as it’s been. Christ coming to earth? my family has shown me so clearly what it means to live for Christ, to strive to be Christlike, to appreciate the gift of salvation. so I thought about my family while the preacher was preaching something about peace.

I’m so grateful! that’s what Christmas is to me. being thankful. and being expectant. I’ve been given so much… and “of those whom much is given, much is required.” Christmas reminds me to be on the lookout, and to be willing to be used.

church campout was yesterday until today – we all went to Brown County for an overnight camping trip. boy, were we *dirty* when we got home! but how much fun – and what a great turn out! for a small, small church, 40 people is great!

one of the coolest things about my church is its willingness to go out of its “comfort zone.” that term was thrown about quite a bit at Taylor – I always disliked it. thing is, though, it actually fits. most of us have a circle, some wider than others, of things we accept and understand. beyond that border, outside of that “zone,” we lose our confidence as we step out into the unknown. while it can be an amazing experience, trusting God – knowing we’d flounder if left to ourselves – so often we opt out and stay within the lines our reservations and doubts have drawn. breaking the boundary of the familiar is difficult, but essential (I think) to effective ministry – and I think Woodruff Place is doing just that.

this camping trip was a neat experience for all of us – it was the first (ever!) chance for some of us to leave the city, and the first time for some of us to get to know each other. the best part: realizing (once again) that my church is still a church outside the walls of the building in which we worship.

Dave’s dad asked me at the end if I could take any of what we talked about back to my church. I was stumped… my church is so different from theirs! for example, there is only one – count it – *one* unbroken family in my church. and they are missionaries home on a medical furlough. David’s church is a church full of healthy families. the approach taken with the kids, then, can be fundamentally different. the one thing that kept coming out, though, the one thing I can apply in my own life, as well as in the church, is to do the teaching through a relationship. instead of only offering words, preaching at the kids, in relationships, you can offer the example of a life lived for Christ… that’s powerful, and something to apply.

I thought things were difficult in college – it was somtimes so difficult to find a balance between studies, friends, activities, and family. there was so much going on that I really had to learn to be intentional about what I did with my time.

I’m feeling overwhelmed like that again, only on a grander scale. there’s no finite end to the work I’m doing like there was to the school year. I can’t just pick up and start fresh after summer anymore – the choices I’m making now are going to last much longer than just until June.

here are some of the things I’m juggling, in no particular order.

roommate:

she’s more than a roommate. she’s become one of my closest friends. I want to be able to spend time with her, more than just watching an occasional movie or collapsing on the couch with her for a few minutes before I lose conciousness. I don’t spend weekends with her, and I’m rarely home before 7 on weeknights. my friendship with her is something I really want to develop – this could be one of those relationships that lasts a lifetime. we could be rockin’ next to each other on the nursing home porch someday. =)

boyfriend:

David and I have been together for almost 2 years, the vast majority of which has been over a significant distance. I’ve gotten used to having him as a regular, but infrequently in-person, part of my life. things have gotten more difficult since he moved to Anderson (only a few weeks ago). I thought it’d be wonderful to have him closer – and it *is*. I just don’t know how to arrange my life as it exists (already too crazy) to spend as much time with him as I now can and want to.

church:

this is one of the most important commitments I’ve ever made in my life. I was moved around a *lot* as a kid, and so didn’t have much say in where we went to church or for how long we stayed. if my parents committed, I was committed. now, at Woodruff Place, *I* have made the commitment to be a part of a body of believers. what does that mean? I don’t know – I’m still learning. I know that it means, at the very least, that I need to be there when the church meets. that’s why I’ve been having so much drama and indecision about the whole Wind Symphony thing – the Wednesday night Bible study is a major thing in my church. but… there are other meetings, too: Sunday morning worship, Sunday evening worship (during the summer – it’s about to end), and Saturday morning prayer meeting.

family:

I’m the first to leave home… it’s still a new thing to my family, and it’s certainly new to me! I want to be able to see them more often than I am. they live in Pennsylvania, and from Indianapolis, it’s a good 9-hour trek. I need to take part of a day off work and an entire weekend in order to get to spend time with them. also, my mother insists that I not come alone – so I have to find someone *else* to make a 9-hour trip with me.

friends:

I’m smack dab in the middle (hehe – that’s a song the TU Jazz Ensemble played when we toured the Bahamas) of so many friends! there are many who live in Indy that I see fairly regularly, some who’ve just moved here that I want to start spending time with, some who live in Upland that I don’t see nearly often enough, and others who live not too far away. really, in the grand scheme of things, Ft. Wayne, Evansville, and Lafayette aren’t far away at all! I just need a Saturday and I can visit folks for a good bit of time. but… I need that Saturday.

other things:

I want to have enough time to myself to do things like “girls’ night”s and spontaneous get-togethers with friends I don’t see enough of. I want to have time to really dive in and study the Bible and theology on my own, to read the classics and poetry, to be outside and get some excercise. I feel like I’m stuck somewhere between intravert and extravert, and don’t have the time to be either.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t feel up to assigning worth to people – because each of the above is really about people – about Bethany, David, my church family, my dear friends, myself – how can I say one is more important than the other? most often, I simply don’t leave that time to myself, but I’m not convinced that’s the best solution.

one conversation with David led to a lot of thought on my part, and now, I just feel overwhelmed.

a quick recap, lest you think you’re lucky enough not to have to read about the last few days:

Thursday -

Friday -

Saturday -

Sunday -

Monday (yesterday) -

so, there it is. I need to get back to work – I’ve been writing this throughout the afternoon waiting for the tech guys to fix the various things I’ve found that don’t work as I try to finish up this assignment. it’s a good way to keep busy. =)

we (four of us) sang an old hymn from the hymnal – simple arrangement where we sang parts for the first verse, last verse, and all the choruses, verse 2 with just the 2 women and verse 3 with just the 2 men. our voices really match – the four of us – and there’s something beautiful about singing in tune… so the hymn had a quaint charm. on the last chorus, Pastor Tom had all (us and the congregation) sing together. looking out from the front of the room over a sea of faces – black, white, filipina, mexican, lithuanian – all raising their voices in song… it was almost like a little glimpse of heaven.

so, Nate got up and did his thing. I hope that turns out to be something profitable for him – that it helps him raise the support he needs, prayer or financial. it was so good to see him again (possibly for the last time) before he leaves for Davau (in the southern part of the Philippines). it’s been exciting to watch him grow into this desire to do mission work. he’s got an amazing testimony (don’t we all in some way? God is so good!) and is so willing to follow God’s leading! I’m glad for him that he’s finally found a place, a way in which to minister and to serve.

here’s why: I reason inductively.

so here’s my specific experience (here’s how my family works): we are all spread about the country [world] and so getting together is a very intentional thing, but on a very personal level. necessarily. (and luckily! it’s much better to get to spend time with folks one family at a time so that you can really have meaningful dialogue. there’s only so much satisfaction in repeating your “news” over and over again.)

we plan long car trips or we plan visits with family into vacations. because we’re so split apart geographically, we *can’t* come together even *once* a year, let alone three or four times a year. so I don’t know my cousins very well at all. I don’t even know their middle names; only because of some fluke (we were all born in January or June, same days each month) I can guess at birthdays. but don’t ask me ages. =)

I love my aunts and uncles. especially those who’ve made the effort to get to know us. I like that in my family, I know who my *real* family is and who my “relatives” are. it’s a good lesson for a child (and for an adult) about the difference between earthly families and heavenly families. and it makes a person realize that even at the most basic levels, the only relationships that mean anything are the ones that you work at. being related by blood is NOT being family.

so, I like the sound of all the “folks” getting together, I guess. and I’m not saying that the way someone else’s family works isn’t good. but a mi, I’d much rather have the select few than the whole clan.

I’ve come to think that stories can be more truthful than facts. sometimes you ask a question that can be answered with two words but you’ll get a story in response and that story does a better job of answering that question than *any* two words could have. I like a decisive answer. I like it when you answer my question exactly and concisely – my brain knows what to do with facts. but tonight, I was reminded that facts aren’t always the best answers.

Jesus taught in parables… always, says Matthew 13:34. anytime he had some truth to communicate to the crowds, to the pharisees, to the disciples, he spoke in stories. stories can circumvent the guard of intellect, and so speak a more whole, a more complete truth to the heart. by conveying truth in stories, Jesus was engaging whole selves rather than just intellects or just emotions.

anyway, food for thought. it’s late and I’m driving 9 hours tomorrow (mom’s birthday is Friday the 16th, so I’m going to surprise her by showing up in PA Friday morning). in other news, the water works fine once again. that said, g’night and peace out.

for a while, I went to this Thursday night Bible study at College Park, a big praise-barn out here. while not buying into the church at all, I found this satellite group to be amazingly Christ-centered and theologially challenging. this was all due to the leader of the group, an unusual pastor named Rich Vincent. he’s gone – pastoring a small, mission-minded church in CT, but still maintains his website, TheoCenTriC. I like what he has to say, and I liked learning from this dramatic, dynamic preacher.

so, this article. this is just some random sermon/essay he’s written, but it touched a few sensitive chords. I struggle with emotions… not in the I-can’t-control-my-emotions-because-I’m-female way, but in an I-don’t-understand-them-and-therefore-shy-away-from-them way… reading this brought back to mind some things I have thought about and finally dismissed as unimportant… the kicker of a line was this:

“To close part of ourselves to God is to fail to worship God truly and fully.”

this article was a good read – made me think. it talks about how evangelicals swing from one side to the other on the issue of emotionalism. either we’re wildly emotional or we’re stoic…

emotions are weird things. they don’t quite fit in with “enlightenment” thinking… since our world is based on enlightenment thinking – logic and reason – it’s hard to find a place for emotion without giving it full sway… I’ve consistently erred on the side of stoicism, thinking it would be better than losing control in some way (because all strong emotions involve a loss of control)… this article got me considering (once again – this has been a long-time struggle for me) my position… to find a balance always seemed ideal, but not necessarily important as long as I wasn’t “losing control” – but if, as Rich says, to close off emotional me is to fail to worship fully…

hmm. things to think about. what about you? any thoughts after reading the article?

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but when dreams come true,
there is life and joy.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you will be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love is hell.”

… thought about that today.