“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.” So begins Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she’s soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Can she vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak, swordfights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you’d actually want to read.

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There aren’t any rules – we’ve had some interesting communions (onion bread one time – a disaster, grape Kool-Aid another – a good chuckle). We (the deacons) are welcome to bring anything we want, from Matza bread (crackers) to french bread to white bread to pita bread, etc. Robby thought he’d save some time and get something neat – he found these little bread slice-shaped pieces of… bread. Cute, right? And bonus: no prep time.

Turns out, they were as hard as croutons. Turn up your volume and listen to this:

Jesus is crunchy

That noise? That’s a sanctuary full of people chomping on huge croutons.

I could NOT stop laughing. By the end of the crunching (about the time PASTOR says “Jesus is crunchy”) I was gasping and crying. I have never laughed this hard in church. I laughed so hard I couldn’t chew the crouton – so I’m crunching into the Pastor’s recitation of the meaning of the cup. When he finished that speech, he served my row – he hands me the tray and says, “something to wash it down with…”

No sooner than I get control of myself and begin pray – this is well into the passing out of the cups, does my husband lean over and say, “we should give a big slurp to go with the crunching.” Of course, I lose it again.

Robby’s new nickname: Captain Crunch. =)

We had friends over for dinner because Bethany just finished the last of her classwork for her master’s degree (congrats, Beth!). We were just about to sit down to eat when I remembered I had to take a phone number over to my neighbors’ house. I ran it over, and in the process heard a story about how Deb and Jim ended up with a rooster. A real, live, crowing rooster. Their daughter had, she thought thoughtfully, brought her mother a rooster for an early Mother’s Day gift. Because she’d always wanted one. We had a good laugh about what an odd gift it was, and at Deb – what was she gonna do with a rooster? (Besides, of course, name it “Dumplin”)

After dinner, I went upstairs to take a call (didn’t want to talk while friends were watching TV) from the Ridgeback Rescue (and, sadly, the dog we were hoping to adopt has been adopted). We’d finished running through her form questions and were just chatting when I went over to the window and looked out over the front yard. And there, in the street just in front of my house, was a rooster! It was running for all it was worth.

I told the lady I had to go catch a rooster (she laughed) and hung up really quickly. Ran down the stairs and over to the neighbors’. They were eating dinner and watching TV – didn’t know their rooster was on the lam. So, they threw coats and shoes on and Deb ran out the door with me. We looked silly, I’m sure, as we waved our arms and corralled the rooster between our houses up against our privacy fences. Jim stood on his porch laughing, and when Deb asked [shrieked] for help, he said, “It’s YOUR rooster!” She finally got Dumplin’ backed into a corner. The stupid rooster stuck his head in the fence and got stuck, butt out.

Deb yells to Jim, “What do I do?”
Jim yells back, “Grab it by the neck.”
“I can’t see its neck!”
“Grab it by the ass and drag it out, THEN grab its neck!”
“I don’t want to get pecked!”

She eventually gets ahold of the animal, then turns frantically back to Jim.

“What now?”
“Toss the damn thing over the fence!”

So she chucks the rooster over the 6-foot privacy fence and it clucks off into their yard. We all look at one another and burst out laughing. We make some jokes about how Dumplin’s gonna end up (as a dumplin?) and about how their daughter didn’t seem to know what she was talking about when she said that the rooster wouldn’t leave the yard if they put down corn for it to eat. After some good laughs, we all say goodnight and I head back in to hang with the company.

I told David et al about the rooster chase, and they laughed, saying they’d heard it for a few minutes before I came down the stairs to chase it. I asked why someone didn’t bother to tell the neighbors and David says, “I don’t know. They let their dog run around…”

I shook my head, and started to say something about why he should have said something to the neighbors. And then I heard clucking. Coming from the front of my house.

So I took off my socks (didn’t want to get them wet in the wet grass) and ran back over to Jim and Deb’s. Only this time, they’re in the backyard trying to figure out how the bird got out the first time. I knock and no one hears. Finally, desperate because the rooster’s running down the street really fast, I yell, “Jim! Deb!”

They come running out of their house, and so do some of our neighbors. And my company. Deb gives me a big bouquet of lilacs, then takes off down the street. I stood there for a few seconds wondering why and what to do with them, then laid them down and joined the chase. And a chase it WAS. Bethany and Deb were waving their hands and running it back toward the house when a car pulls up wanting to pass them on the street. The driver sees what’s going on and helpfully shouts, “Run straight at it!” So, we all do and the bird panics.

All this time, David has been trying to put together the crate we borrowed from Denise and were going to give back to her. He finally gets it together and we corner the rooster – but no one really wants to get pecked and he’s looking mean. The neighbor from across the street, who has usually had a few drinks, and takes much pride in his homosexuality and plays up stereotypes (lisps, hand-waving, strutting, “girlfriend!”ing, calls himself “Miss Ricky”), waltzes over. After seeing the hysteria and the bird jumping like mad trying to get up onto our porch and away from everyone, he walks straight up to the rooster and slaps it. It falls in a daze and he grabs it and tosses it into the crate, singing to himself, “Fag saves the day! Fag saves the day!”

After MUCH hilarity, joking, prancing (on the part of Miss Ricky), crooning to the rooster (Deb was trying to calm him down by talking to him through the crate), we all said goodnight for the last time and went into our houses.

It was so hysterically funny – we laughed so very hard. My stomach hurts today. =)

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet’, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS’s pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best for last:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Fact:  Goat hair grows at a rate of 3/4″ per month.

Behold:

It’s 09:40:54.  (yay, cameraphone!) 

Enter a coworker who is well-traveled and computer smart.  He picks up the clock and says, seriously, “Wow!  A braille clock!”

I cracked up – yeah, all blind people use dots of light to tell time.  They can see tthose much better than the LED numbers on a digital clock.

“Working in the 1815 Wonderland”

Water tinkles, are you listening?
On the desk, puddles glistening.
A beautiful sight,
Though not watertight,
Working in the 1815 Wonderland.

Gone away is the good smell,
Here to stay is a new smell.
Popcorn in the makin’,
Or is it burnin’ bacon?
Working in the 1815 Wonderland.

In the hallway we can do some bowling,
And pretend this is the P.B.A.
She’ll say: did you break it?
We’ll say: No man,
But you can fix that pin,
Try the duct tape.

Later on, we’ll perspire,
As we roast like a fire,
Fans turned to “high,”
Minus twenty outside,
Working in the 1815 Wonderland.

In the basement we can play some foosball,
And pretend that we are 9 or 10.
We’ll have lots of fun, we happy foosers,
Until they need the space and move us again.

Working late, get a bad scare,
A stranger’s camping out in your chair.
An adventure a day, the [our company name] way,
Working in the 1815 Wonderland.

A writes: 

This here delightful item might make a great holiday gift for or from you creative types: http://www.puttyworld.com/index.html

D writes: 

I looked at the website. Looks like you can fashion clothes out of it — like belts and stuff. Picture it: Mood underwear!!!!  J, I think we should invest in this one. We could make A KILLING with MoodPutty Undies!

J writes:

Agreed.  Two men pass a woman on the street.  One says, “That woman is HOT for me.”  The other asks, “How can you tell?”  The first one says, “Because her panties turned bright red when she looked at me!”

D writes back:

The second man responds: “Dude, you’d better check your color key. I think that’s the woman you stood up last week for drinks.”

J replies:

First one’s reply:  “Come to think of it, the bright red was in back…”

D responds:

The woman, still silently fuming about being stood up, thinks to herself, “What was WRONG with that other guy’s socks?”

DD: in the 40s today
DD: kinda nice actually
DD: ahhhhhh
me: uggghhh
me: I’d much rather it be warmer.
DD: most folks would
DD: JR and i will have to run away together to an ice floe somewhere
DD: hang out with the polar bears…
me: I’ll send you postcards from hawaii
DD: we’ll send you photos of the snow angels we make.
me: I never understood what would possess grown people to lay down in the snow and wiggle.
me: first of all, the angels look like they’re wearing culottes.  those went out of style AGES ago.
me: secondly, it’s wet.
me: thirdly, it’s cold.
me: fourthly, the person on the ground is lying in a prone position – just ripe for assault or theft.
DD: mugged by a gang of penguins…
DD: really, i don’t think that there are many assaults and thefts on ice floes.
me: well, I suppose we could leave out point #4 in that case.
DD: and coulottes come and go
DD: i’m all about wearing what i like
DD: my snow angels have similar feelings about fashion
me: culottes should stay gone.
me: seriously – when I was a kid and did the snow angel thing (like, once), I actually scooped out the leg line.
DD: how funny!
me: had to fix it.
DD: and they didn’t medicate you then?
DD: ;-)
me: anyway, because you’re squirming so much, the head always ends up shaped funny.
DD: i tend not to do a whole lot of flailing
me: isn’t that the point?
DD: it’s not really a whole-body experience
me: yes, it is a whole-body experience – your whole body gets wet and numb from the snow!
DD: i mean, you only have to move your arms and legs
me: yeah, but try moving your ring finger without moving the others – things are connected!
DD: my head’s not connected to my legs
DD: or my arms
me: but it’s connected to your neckbone, which is connected to your…
me: didn’t you go to preschool?
me: didn’t you TEACH preschool?
DD: yes, but the fine points of flailing were never covered in my curriculum

A couple of pictures from our family reunion, recently uploaded by Dave’s brother and his wife:

Tara, David, Randy, originally uploaded by rauke1.

Jake and Tara, originally uploaded by rauke1.

I just enjoy the first picture – I love having a big brother!  And the second photo…  Imagine that dog trembling – he was TERRIFIED of the water.  See how taut his muscles are?  He was very, very tense, and leaping about from rock to rock so he wouldn’t have to touch the water.  =)  We had a large audience up on the bank.

I’ve mainly used it to talk with family (Melissa’s in Asia, and it’s free to talk to her this way), but I use it at work occasionally to talk to coworkers who are working offsite.  So I leave it up and running at work.

I had a meeting today in which my computer was going to be attached to a projector for a demonstration of some software.  I, thoughtfully, I thought, exited all my email and communication programs so we wouldn’t be interrupted by pop-ups in the meeting, then traipsed down the hall and hooked my computer up to the projector.

45 minutes of the meeting went by without event.  Then it happened.  A chat request from Skype popped up in the center of the screen and interrupted the presenter (turns out I’d forgotten to close Skype since I rarely use it).  This chat request had an avatar – a picture – in the window.  This picture was of a naked, spread-eagle woman.  And it seemed to fill the entire projector screen.

I cannot tell you how mortified I was – I quickly explained that my name must be listed in some public directory for the application.  The guy closed the window, but all the people just kinda… stared… at me.  Thankfully, in the end, they all laughed about it.  I could have gotten into quite a bit of trouble.

I got back to my desk and immediately found the privacy settings on the application.  If you’re running Skype, and you leave it on at work, I suggest you do the same.  =)

One of the funniest moments of the reunion occurred while we were waiting at the lodge for the last set of us to arrive.  The kids had just finished a day full of swimming and running around outside, so they were tired and starting to get grouchy.  One of the cousins grabbed Chutes and Ladders and all 5 itty-bitties ran over to play.  After a while, they started fighting about the rules, so a mom brought out another game hoping to split them up.  Of course, when the kids saw Candyland, they all wanted to play the new game and the other was abandoned as boring.  The exasperated mom told them that half could play each game, and then they’d switch, but the kids weren’t having it.  They all sat down and grabbed pieces.  Mom looks at the oldest 2 kids and says, “One of you is going to have to go play Chutes and Ladders.”  When neither volunteered, she gave the oldest a meaningful look – whereupon the girl gets up, stomps about 5 feet away, then turns around and seethes.  She looks at the mom and says (amid breath-catches, as if she’d been sobbing), “If this is the manner in which I’m going to be treated, I’m never going to play again!”  This kid is 7.  It was hilarious!  The mom gave in and let the girl come back – immediately, the drama queen settled down and happily resumed bossing around the other kids.

Anyway, here are a few pictures of my family (I only pulled out the camera at the very end because my sister-in-law was snapping so many pictures).

What hooked me was a commercial promo before the show even started. They showed a kid (with no audio – someone was doing a voiceover) doing a dance I immediately recognized, even without sound. This kid did some moves from a Bollywood film called Kaho Naa Pyaar Hai – a movie I watched in college. I know the moves because I had a roomie who frequently practiced them.

So I waited anxiously to see this.

(The movie version is here.)

It’s raining - a thunderstorm.  There’s a convertible out there.  The top’s down.  =>

—

I’m feeling pretty great, laughing at this guy aside.  I have a window again!  I was moved from a private office into what a friend refers to as a “bullpen” and what I thought of secretly as “the pit”.  7 or 8 of us squished into a tiny walkway of a room…  No windows (no natural light) and no air circulation, so it was always 85+ degrees in there.  Now, I’m in a corner office again, and there are windows here!  It’s amazing what natural light and space does for my productivity.

A quick intro: I work in the clinical education department of a hospital group. Our department is made up of mostly instructors, instructional designers (like me), and developers (programmers). In an effort to promote departmental unity, a “Fun Committee” was developed. They’re doing a good job of springing random, mostly fun, events on us to break up the monotony of the work week, and they really are good people. But sometimes, they get intense. And funny. =) The latest fun event: an in-office bowling league. We bowl a hard foam ball into hard foam pins down our office hallways…

Enjoy:

Hello Everyone,

Three pins have been damaged due to Horse play and one pin is still missing. Each pin has a replacement fee of $6. Please return the pin to a Fun Committee member today. I am here until 3:30pm and [another Fun Committee member] is here until 3:45pm. Please do not strike each other with the pins as they are made out of soft foam and not very sturdy. We have attached another set of rules for your review.

Please see a Fun Committee member to pay for the damaged pins. The League will resume, after we have received payment for the damaged pins.

[A member of the "Fun Committee"]

–

Good morning,

I am sorry to report that no one has stepped forward and paid the outstanding money for the damaged pins. The Fun Committee paid a total of $60.00 each, for two bowling sets. Even with payment for the damaged pins, we do not have the funding to purchase another bowling set, but we had hoped to recuperate some of the the funds we spent for a bowling set that we are now unable to sell.

Several people have stepped forward and volunteered to pay for another bowling set, but we do not feel it would be fair to ask this of those that were not responsible for causing the damage in the first place.

We are sorry to announce that bowling has been discontinued pending payment for the damaged pins.

Thanks.

[The Fun Committee Head Honcho]

–

Seriously, it’s okay to admit to juvenile acts caused damage to the pins. We ALL get overzealous and carried away at times. I am sure we can all agree there will be no social scorning of the responsible party!! Just speak up and let’s continue with the league. Otherwise we need to have the office exterminated for the large rats that ate the pins!!

[An instructor]

–

It is sad to know that in our department of adults, no one could respect the materials that were purchased for us for enjoyment. This was a creative idea that the Fun Committee came up with so we could have fun together outside work and someone had to abuse that. Our team was enjoying our Friday morning bowling times and it is sad to know that it is being discontinued.

I hope those responsible decide to step forward and take account for their actions.

This doesn’t help encourage our Fun Committee to create any more fun ideas for us if we can’t even handle this one.

Sincerely,

[Another instructor, after having read the previous instructor's email... so much for no social scorning. =)]

–

Ummm, I admittedly have not seen the injured pins, so please forgive me if I’m just uninformed, but is it possible that some of the pins became damaged (or at least began to be damaged) during normal play? Or during storing them into the box? I’ve definitely seen some laser-rocket bowling, and I can’t be alone in my lack of thorough examination before storage.

I’m just simply wondering if a slight tear could go unnoticed and become worse during storage, transportation, etc.?

[A developer]

–

No. The first week of bowling the pins were fine. I stored the pins and the pins were not cracked. I have also checked for damage and I can tell you that the only damage that had occurred, was a slight tear inside the finger hole of one of the bowling balls.

[Head Honcho, responding to the developer]

–

That was not the case. Prior to storing the equipment we went through the boxes. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen during normal play, but it didn’t happen during transportation or storage. We would just like for someone to come forward, even if it means putting the money in an envelope and sliding it under a door.

[Another Fun Committee Member, responding to the developer]

–

I haven’t run this idea past the Fun Committee, but think we could solve this problem for a small additional cost to each of us. There are about 30 participants in the hallway bowling and $120 has been spent for the equipment. That works out to $4 each to cover the entire cost. I know we have already paid $1 each leaving $90 outstanding. I suggest we each kick in an additional dollar for this round and plan on paying $2 for the next round?

[A designer]

–

[A round of people, at this point send emails to the tune of "I'm in" or "Let's just do this so we can get back to bowling"...]

–

Hello Everyone,

This is the final email about Bowling. It is absolutely canceled for this week. If you would like bowling to resume, anyone who would like to VOLUNTEER funds towards a replacement set, is free to do so. The cost of the replacement set is $60.00. We will not be splitting up the cost of a replacement set amongst the bowling league. There is a deadline for volunteer donations towards the replacement. The deadline is Monday, April 23, 2007 by 3pm. Turn in your donations to a member of the Fun Committee.

Signed,

The Fun Committee!

Isn’t that hilarious? We’re back to bowling, so I guess the volunteers shelled out the cash. =)

My dog – my normally beautiful dog – transformed into a hideous beast for a few seconds. I thought you’d enjoy this photo as much as we do. =)

mid-shake =), originally uploaded by tara.aukerman.

Carrie seems to be doing well – just a little stressed.  And no wonder!  As soon as she got back into the car and checked her messages (she wisely left the phone in the car during the pedicure), she got a frantic call that started with “Oh my God.  Something’s horribly wrong” (or something equally alarming – I can’t remember exactly anymore)…  Turns out, someone had ordered blue shirts for something and received lime green shirts instead – but it wasn’t even an emergency.  C’mon, guys – rule number two (after “Happy wife, happy life”) is “NEVER alarm a bride!”  Sheesh.

I’m taking a quick break from work to post – I’ve been hanging at the local Panera (free wireless internet) and working remotely today while David runs with the rest of them trying to get the various wedding places decorated.

I wanted to post because I wanted to show these pictures:

My office mate.  With a paper umbrella barette.

My boss (a la the FrenchWoman from the End of the Word flash movie).

Me.

Can I just tell you how much I love the people I work with?!  Sedona rocks.  Literally, actually – the guy who hired us, Kerry, is a [fabulous] guitar player/singer who makes rounds at a local restaurant/bar chain called “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”  We had planned, for MONTHS, to show up and surprise him some night while he played – we bought KerryLand t-shirts and everything – and the DAY OF our surprise drop-in (which, by the way, we planned for months), he invited us all out to see him play.  Dinner and drinks on him.

Meredith, Angela (another coworker) and I decided that the least we could do was have blue hair, too (like his logo).  Every one of us wore one of those three wigs by the end of the night.  =)